Tuesday, March 26, 2002
When I walked in the door tonight, I found a note on the table from Kelly. The note said to open up the I-Movie program on the computer and to see what she made for Rita and me. I did. I was not expecting to see what I saw.
Kelly put together a 5 minute movie based on film she had taken over the last couple of months. She put a song called "Beautiful" with it. I sat and stared at the movie and during the last 30 seconds of it, I burst into some heavy tears. This "piece" that she put together touched me so deeply that I still don't really know how to take it all in. The movie is supposed to represent what she is feeling right now based on what she is going through. Rita and I haven't seen much of Kelly lately and it has bothered us all. Mostly Kelly. She is alone. She goes to school, work, rehearsal, out with friends; she does homework, goes grocery shopping, baby-sits dogs, and finds a way to make it through her day. The lonliness that she is feeling is consuming her and in a lot of ways I feel like it is somewhat my fault. I haven't been the best friend that I should be lately. I have been living for me and just assuming that she will be alright. I don't check up on her often and I let her go through her day alone. We do have different schedules, but I feel like it is no excuse. She is developing into this person, this adult that I don't even recognize anymore.
It seems that when she has a night off all I want to do is go to bed. When she has a weekend off, I find myself in bed until late in the day. I have been absent and it is definitely hurting her. I have been hurting her. And I know it now. I love her in a way that is impossible to explain. She and I have been through lovers, cities, friends, jobs, tears, anger, just about everything together. We laugh at the same jokes, say the same things, give advice in the same way. We even "came out" at the same time.
Sometimes I feel like I need to take care of her. It scares me a bit. I am not even good at taking care of myself. I try to tell her to be "independent". I tell her to "just do it and it will all work out in the end". Do I tell her these things because I truly believe it or because I too scared to take responsibility of being her best friend? Kelly definitely needs more to survive than I do. I shut down and move forward. Kelly shuts down and loses everything. She is better than that. She has a heart that won't allow her to ignore the way she feels. She is driven by it, thrives on it, and knows nothing but to go by the advice it gives her; which is to be honest and real.
I have a very hard time doing that.
I have done some bad things. I have made some mistakes. I haven't been there for her during her time of need and I know that. I ignore it and hope it will just fix itself. But that is so wrong. It is immature. And mostly, it is selfish. The worst part about it is that my actions have caused distance between her and myself. It has made her believe that she is alone in the world and that she must learn this lesson to live in the world. This is what I believe. But this isn't who she is. I know better than that. I have known her forever and I know what she needs as a friend.
I feel awful. It shouldn't take something like an I-Movie to wake me up and realize what I have done.
I know that I am not the answer to Kelly's problems. I am not the one that can make it all better. Only Kelly can do that. But I can listen. I can be there physically for her. I can be the friend that she thought I was. I still am that friend. But I have focused on me. Too much so.
Kelly will get through all this. But how frustrated and upset will I be when I realize that she can do it without me? I don't want that. I don't want her to succeed without me holding her hand. I want to be there to support her in everything. I want to know everything that is going on with her and I want to be able to look at her again and know what is going wrong without even having her open her mouth.
I apologize Kelly. For not being the friend that I can be. I am sorry for distancing myself, cuz we both know that you didn't do it. I did.
When I get back this weekend from my "mini-break", things are going to change. I promise you that. We will make time for us. Even if it just means sitting in a room and being with eachother. I will still be sitting there.
You are my sunshine. You are my heart. You are my light. I see what part of the problem I can fix, and I will do it.
Be strong and go forward. Deep down you have all of this together. You have been made to feel alone and that will change.
I love you so much and I see what I can do to make this better. Believe in me because I have always believed in you.
Kelly put together a 5 minute movie based on film she had taken over the last couple of months. She put a song called "Beautiful" with it. I sat and stared at the movie and during the last 30 seconds of it, I burst into some heavy tears. This "piece" that she put together touched me so deeply that I still don't really know how to take it all in. The movie is supposed to represent what she is feeling right now based on what she is going through. Rita and I haven't seen much of Kelly lately and it has bothered us all. Mostly Kelly. She is alone. She goes to school, work, rehearsal, out with friends; she does homework, goes grocery shopping, baby-sits dogs, and finds a way to make it through her day. The lonliness that she is feeling is consuming her and in a lot of ways I feel like it is somewhat my fault. I haven't been the best friend that I should be lately. I have been living for me and just assuming that she will be alright. I don't check up on her often and I let her go through her day alone. We do have different schedules, but I feel like it is no excuse. She is developing into this person, this adult that I don't even recognize anymore.
It seems that when she has a night off all I want to do is go to bed. When she has a weekend off, I find myself in bed until late in the day. I have been absent and it is definitely hurting her. I have been hurting her. And I know it now. I love her in a way that is impossible to explain. She and I have been through lovers, cities, friends, jobs, tears, anger, just about everything together. We laugh at the same jokes, say the same things, give advice in the same way. We even "came out" at the same time.
Sometimes I feel like I need to take care of her. It scares me a bit. I am not even good at taking care of myself. I try to tell her to be "independent". I tell her to "just do it and it will all work out in the end". Do I tell her these things because I truly believe it or because I too scared to take responsibility of being her best friend? Kelly definitely needs more to survive than I do. I shut down and move forward. Kelly shuts down and loses everything. She is better than that. She has a heart that won't allow her to ignore the way she feels. She is driven by it, thrives on it, and knows nothing but to go by the advice it gives her; which is to be honest and real.
I have a very hard time doing that.
I have done some bad things. I have made some mistakes. I haven't been there for her during her time of need and I know that. I ignore it and hope it will just fix itself. But that is so wrong. It is immature. And mostly, it is selfish. The worst part about it is that my actions have caused distance between her and myself. It has made her believe that she is alone in the world and that she must learn this lesson to live in the world. This is what I believe. But this isn't who she is. I know better than that. I have known her forever and I know what she needs as a friend.
I feel awful. It shouldn't take something like an I-Movie to wake me up and realize what I have done.
I know that I am not the answer to Kelly's problems. I am not the one that can make it all better. Only Kelly can do that. But I can listen. I can be there physically for her. I can be the friend that she thought I was. I still am that friend. But I have focused on me. Too much so.
Kelly will get through all this. But how frustrated and upset will I be when I realize that she can do it without me? I don't want that. I don't want her to succeed without me holding her hand. I want to be there to support her in everything. I want to know everything that is going on with her and I want to be able to look at her again and know what is going wrong without even having her open her mouth.
I apologize Kelly. For not being the friend that I can be. I am sorry for distancing myself, cuz we both know that you didn't do it. I did.
When I get back this weekend from my "mini-break", things are going to change. I promise you that. We will make time for us. Even if it just means sitting in a room and being with eachother. I will still be sitting there.
You are my sunshine. You are my heart. You are my light. I see what part of the problem I can fix, and I will do it.
Be strong and go forward. Deep down you have all of this together. You have been made to feel alone and that will change.
I love you so much and I see what I can do to make this better. Believe in me because I have always believed in you.
